We walk by faith, not by sight —2 Corinthians 5:7
For a while, we are fully aware of God’s concern for us. But then, when God begins to use us in His work, we begin to take on a pitiful look and talk only of our trials and difficulties. And all the while God is trying to make us do our work as hidden people who are not in the spotlight. None of us would be hidden spiritually if we could help it. Can we do our work when it seems that God has sealed up heaven? Some of us always want to be brightly illuminated saints with golden halos and with the continual glow of inspiration, and to have other saints of God dealing with us all the time. A self-assured saint is of no value to God. He is abnormal, unfit for daily life, and completely unlike God. We are here, not as immature angels, but as men and women, to do the work of this world. And we are to do it with an infinitely greater power to withstand the struggle because we have been born from above.
If we continually try to bring back those exceptional moments of inspiration, it is a sign that it is not God we want. We are becoming obsessed with the moments when God did come and speak with us, and we are insisting that He do it again. But what God wants us to do is to “walk by faith.” How many of us have set ourselves aside as if to say, “I cannot do anything else until God appears to me”? He will never do it. We will have to get up on our own, without any inspiration and without any sudden touch from God. Then comes our surprise and we find ourselves exclaiming, “Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!” Never live for those exceptional moments— they are surprises. God will give us His touches of inspiration only when He sees that we are not in danger of being led away by them. We must never consider our moments of inspiration as the standard way of life— our work is our standard.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Cancer Update
The last 10 weeks have gone by surprisingly fast. Although I started this journey out with a pretty good attitude (at least I think so) it didn’t quite end that way. The chemo drugs really start to build upon themselves over the course of 12 weeks, and by the end, I have had the full experience of chemo therapy.
One of the main reasons that I have not been blogging as much, has been my depressed state of mind, which is mostly an effect of the drugs, but also in part of not being very motivated to do something about it. The extreme fatigue, and cloudy headedness (chemo brain) does not help much either. I have found myself forgetting things that I shouldn’t be forgetting. I think I called Heather someone else’s name the other day, and have been forgetting things that happened less than a week ago. It’s pretty comical if you think about it. You can tell that I must look as bad as I feel too, because 3-4 weeks ago people were saying, “well at least you still look good”, and now I get these looks that make me want to run to the mirror to see what they are looking at. I have acquired some pretty rough black circles around my eyes, and my face is pretty pail from time to time, but I think that the loss of eyebrows is what has topped it off, and sends you from being a possible “bald for style” to “sick person” in people’s minds.
This last round was by far the hardest. I started strong, but by mid week I was starting to get nauseated from the smells and whole psychological experience of it all. I have found that the smell of alcohol in the hand sanitizer, and all the other hospital smells make my stomach turn. By Friday I would have sworn I couldn’t have done another day, and by Sunday I was in the emergency room feeling sicker than I think I have ever felt before. The Doctor tried for 5 hours with three different meds in efforts to calm the nausea. It was brutal to say the least. That coupled with the constant taste of metal in my mouth, the throat sores, and the neurothepy to my fingertips, which basically feels like I can’t feel my fingers, has made me wonder if I could ever endure this again if I had too.
My wife Heather has been the most wonderful gift that God has ever brought me. She has been so selfless in taking care of me through the raw stages of this thing when I would normally want nobody to be around me. She has not only done it, but she has done it joyfully, and I am so impressed with that. I am also still humbled by the love and support of my family and friends. Every time I turn around, someone is doing something to help me or make my load a little lighter through these times, and a hard headed, prideful, person like me sometimes has a hard time accepting that, but I have learned to receive through these times.
I started this journey out pretty motivated about returning to my career and getting my life back to “where it was before cancer”. I still plan on that in the general sense, but I have found myself thinking that I don’t want things to be the same for me. I can’t go through something like this and just return to the status quo. It’s not that I was living that before I was diagnosed, but I guess I have just been stirred in a way that is making me slow to plan out the rest of my 2010 like I usually would. I am a pretty planned out and driven person, which is a gift, but sometimes I forget to leave room for God to change things up a bit, or lead me somewhere else.
I am truly grateful to be through the chemo. I have not had the official report from my Dr yet, but all reports show that I am cancer free and will be for a very long time.
One of the main reasons that I have not been blogging as much, has been my depressed state of mind, which is mostly an effect of the drugs, but also in part of not being very motivated to do something about it. The extreme fatigue, and cloudy headedness (chemo brain) does not help much either. I have found myself forgetting things that I shouldn’t be forgetting. I think I called Heather someone else’s name the other day, and have been forgetting things that happened less than a week ago. It’s pretty comical if you think about it. You can tell that I must look as bad as I feel too, because 3-4 weeks ago people were saying, “well at least you still look good”, and now I get these looks that make me want to run to the mirror to see what they are looking at. I have acquired some pretty rough black circles around my eyes, and my face is pretty pail from time to time, but I think that the loss of eyebrows is what has topped it off, and sends you from being a possible “bald for style” to “sick person” in people’s minds.
This last round was by far the hardest. I started strong, but by mid week I was starting to get nauseated from the smells and whole psychological experience of it all. I have found that the smell of alcohol in the hand sanitizer, and all the other hospital smells make my stomach turn. By Friday I would have sworn I couldn’t have done another day, and by Sunday I was in the emergency room feeling sicker than I think I have ever felt before. The Doctor tried for 5 hours with three different meds in efforts to calm the nausea. It was brutal to say the least. That coupled with the constant taste of metal in my mouth, the throat sores, and the neurothepy to my fingertips, which basically feels like I can’t feel my fingers, has made me wonder if I could ever endure this again if I had too.
My wife Heather has been the most wonderful gift that God has ever brought me. She has been so selfless in taking care of me through the raw stages of this thing when I would normally want nobody to be around me. She has not only done it, but she has done it joyfully, and I am so impressed with that. I am also still humbled by the love and support of my family and friends. Every time I turn around, someone is doing something to help me or make my load a little lighter through these times, and a hard headed, prideful, person like me sometimes has a hard time accepting that, but I have learned to receive through these times.
I started this journey out pretty motivated about returning to my career and getting my life back to “where it was before cancer”. I still plan on that in the general sense, but I have found myself thinking that I don’t want things to be the same for me. I can’t go through something like this and just return to the status quo. It’s not that I was living that before I was diagnosed, but I guess I have just been stirred in a way that is making me slow to plan out the rest of my 2010 like I usually would. I am a pretty planned out and driven person, which is a gift, but sometimes I forget to leave room for God to change things up a bit, or lead me somewhere else.
I am truly grateful to be through the chemo. I have not had the official report from my Dr yet, but all reports show that I am cancer free and will be for a very long time.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Closer or farther?
When I started this journey through chemo, I had decided that writing would be a great way to process and record my thoughts and feelings of what I would experience, but also to take note of what God was doing through it. I decided to create a blog to share it with my friends and family and to create a place for people to peer in on my life through chemo and to also have an idea of how to pray.
I started this journey a little over 4 months ago when I was at a relay race at Wiskeytown Lake. I got to a place where the pain I was feeling in one of my testicles was too much to bear and a few of my friends insisted that I get to the doctors. It was no more than 1 week later that I went under the knife and was having the orchiectomy, and what was supposed to be a 1 day surgery has turned into quite another story.
Within 90 days of the surgery I was made aware of the cancer still being present and was referred to an oncologist to start chemotherapy immediately. As most of you know from my previous blogs, this chemo regiment is very extreme, and for the first 2 cycles of it I had a pretty good attitude for the most part. I mean there were days that I was pretty out of it, fatigued, and feeling many other side effects of the chemo, but it was bearable and I was getting some invaluable revelation all throughout the process.
The chemo is accumulative and builds on its last cycle, and this last cycle was a tough one. One of the reasons why my blogs have slowed, and have also been so short, is because of how the chemo has affected me. This last round was the first round that I have experienced some nausea and felt some of the symptoms that I have seen my fellow cancer patients experiencing. Oh yeah, and did I tell you I gained 15 lbs. With the steroids they are giving me, and the screwed up digestive system, added to the comfort eating of things like doughnuts and whatever else I want, I have managed to fit into my pants a little better.. I have seen many people in chemo that have lost 30-40 lbs to the point of being unhealthy and I would rather be where I am, than so sick that they have to put a feeding tube in me, but this extra pack that is situated right on the front of my abdomen is pretty rough to look at.. haha
Several people have asked me over the last couple of weeks how my marriage is. That is kind of hard for me to answer. Heather and I are going through the adjustments of living with someone and being newlyweds, like everyone else does, but with cancer. Cancer makes things a little more interesting. Not only are we arguing about the proper way to cook spaghetti and clean house, but we also have 2 weeks a month when I am sick and tired and have little energy to do anything. One of the side effects of the chemo is depression. This kind of depression is really tough. Normal things like a sunny day, or a fun hike with some friends, created some level of joy and elevates your serotonin levels, but not after a cycle of Cisplatin. The doctors suggest taking some periodic medication for it, but I have opted out. I just remind myself that it is only a side effect and that it will pass. I have also has a few people offer me Marijuana and Pot brownies. One person actually offered me a popcorn ball with weed in it. Hmm, I never had one of those.. lol.. Anyways, I am not taking anything for the depression and it is bearable with prayer and reaching out to others. That has always worked for me. The tough part is how it affects being married. It’s one thing to feel depressed and to sit around licking your wounds with the “poor me’s”, but when you feel like you are dragging someone else through it with you, it makes matters worse. 2 Weeks after my chemo I start coming out of it, and we have a “calm between storms”, and usually will go out on a date, take some walks, and do some fun things, but it surly hasn’t been a “honeymoon phase”.
One thing I can say is she is a trooper. Taking care of a bald, fat, grumpy, cancer patient, who isn’t very nice sometimes sure wouldn’t be the first thing I would sign up for, and she not only does it every day, but she seems to still be happy with our decision to get married earlier than we had planned. It makes me feel guilty and convicted when I think about the roles being reversed. She is a better person than I am. That’s why I married her.
Staying spiritually fit through this has been a challenge. Not that it is not always a challenge, but I am typically a pretty disciplined person. I have for years now taken time each morning to pray and have time with the Lord, and have valued this time greatly. I am a firm believer in taking time each day to slow down and listen to the still small voice inside of you. I also believe that some of the most effective work we can do in our lives is the work that is done inside our prayer closet. All that being said, I have felt like a “wave tossed by the wind” over the last month and have found it difficult to connect with God. Is this just a season? I don’t know, but I do know that I can find a way to stay closer to Him through this.
I have one more round of chemo left and it starts in two weeks. I should feel so blessed knowing how well my prognosis is compared to many of my friends who have not been getting such good news, but the thought of getting plugged into the IV for another week straight and going through this again makes me literally nauseous. I know that God has me here for a reason and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world, but am sure looking forward to getting to the other side and having a break between this challenge and the next.
I started this journey a little over 4 months ago when I was at a relay race at Wiskeytown Lake. I got to a place where the pain I was feeling in one of my testicles was too much to bear and a few of my friends insisted that I get to the doctors. It was no more than 1 week later that I went under the knife and was having the orchiectomy, and what was supposed to be a 1 day surgery has turned into quite another story.
Within 90 days of the surgery I was made aware of the cancer still being present and was referred to an oncologist to start chemotherapy immediately. As most of you know from my previous blogs, this chemo regiment is very extreme, and for the first 2 cycles of it I had a pretty good attitude for the most part. I mean there were days that I was pretty out of it, fatigued, and feeling many other side effects of the chemo, but it was bearable and I was getting some invaluable revelation all throughout the process.
The chemo is accumulative and builds on its last cycle, and this last cycle was a tough one. One of the reasons why my blogs have slowed, and have also been so short, is because of how the chemo has affected me. This last round was the first round that I have experienced some nausea and felt some of the symptoms that I have seen my fellow cancer patients experiencing. Oh yeah, and did I tell you I gained 15 lbs. With the steroids they are giving me, and the screwed up digestive system, added to the comfort eating of things like doughnuts and whatever else I want, I have managed to fit into my pants a little better.. I have seen many people in chemo that have lost 30-40 lbs to the point of being unhealthy and I would rather be where I am, than so sick that they have to put a feeding tube in me, but this extra pack that is situated right on the front of my abdomen is pretty rough to look at.. haha
Several people have asked me over the last couple of weeks how my marriage is. That is kind of hard for me to answer. Heather and I are going through the adjustments of living with someone and being newlyweds, like everyone else does, but with cancer. Cancer makes things a little more interesting. Not only are we arguing about the proper way to cook spaghetti and clean house, but we also have 2 weeks a month when I am sick and tired and have little energy to do anything. One of the side effects of the chemo is depression. This kind of depression is really tough. Normal things like a sunny day, or a fun hike with some friends, created some level of joy and elevates your serotonin levels, but not after a cycle of Cisplatin. The doctors suggest taking some periodic medication for it, but I have opted out. I just remind myself that it is only a side effect and that it will pass. I have also has a few people offer me Marijuana and Pot brownies. One person actually offered me a popcorn ball with weed in it. Hmm, I never had one of those.. lol.. Anyways, I am not taking anything for the depression and it is bearable with prayer and reaching out to others. That has always worked for me. The tough part is how it affects being married. It’s one thing to feel depressed and to sit around licking your wounds with the “poor me’s”, but when you feel like you are dragging someone else through it with you, it makes matters worse. 2 Weeks after my chemo I start coming out of it, and we have a “calm between storms”, and usually will go out on a date, take some walks, and do some fun things, but it surly hasn’t been a “honeymoon phase”.
One thing I can say is she is a trooper. Taking care of a bald, fat, grumpy, cancer patient, who isn’t very nice sometimes sure wouldn’t be the first thing I would sign up for, and she not only does it every day, but she seems to still be happy with our decision to get married earlier than we had planned. It makes me feel guilty and convicted when I think about the roles being reversed. She is a better person than I am. That’s why I married her.
Staying spiritually fit through this has been a challenge. Not that it is not always a challenge, but I am typically a pretty disciplined person. I have for years now taken time each morning to pray and have time with the Lord, and have valued this time greatly. I am a firm believer in taking time each day to slow down and listen to the still small voice inside of you. I also believe that some of the most effective work we can do in our lives is the work that is done inside our prayer closet. All that being said, I have felt like a “wave tossed by the wind” over the last month and have found it difficult to connect with God. Is this just a season? I don’t know, but I do know that I can find a way to stay closer to Him through this.
I have one more round of chemo left and it starts in two weeks. I should feel so blessed knowing how well my prognosis is compared to many of my friends who have not been getting such good news, but the thought of getting plugged into the IV for another week straight and going through this again makes me literally nauseous. I know that God has me here for a reason and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world, but am sure looking forward to getting to the other side and having a break between this challenge and the next.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Good Reports
More Good Reports
The third round of chemo starts tomorrow. Another full week of sitting in a chair for five hours a day getting injected with heavy metals and all kinds of other cancer killing poisons. At this point I am getting pretty excited to be done with it, however I am grateful to know that it is working so well. My blood counts continue to show no cancer, and my Doctor has said I will go on to live a completely normal life again when this is all said and done. Whatever normal means :-)
On one hand I am very grateful for this reality and the thought of going through 2 more rounds of this brutal process seems like a walk in the park, but on another hand I am sad and feel as if I am dodging a bullet that so many people that I have come to know will not be so lucky to do.
This season has been very good for my perspective and I should hope that when I am in remission that I will keep this experience close enough to me that I would not forget what I have learned. I know that there will probably be times that I take things for granted again, and I will probably lose perspective many times, but by staying close to people with cancer I will remember.
The third round of chemo starts tomorrow. Another full week of sitting in a chair for five hours a day getting injected with heavy metals and all kinds of other cancer killing poisons. At this point I am getting pretty excited to be done with it, however I am grateful to know that it is working so well. My blood counts continue to show no cancer, and my Doctor has said I will go on to live a completely normal life again when this is all said and done. Whatever normal means :-)
On one hand I am very grateful for this reality and the thought of going through 2 more rounds of this brutal process seems like a walk in the park, but on another hand I am sad and feel as if I am dodging a bullet that so many people that I have come to know will not be so lucky to do.
This season has been very good for my perspective and I should hope that when I am in remission that I will keep this experience close enough to me that I would not forget what I have learned. I know that there will probably be times that I take things for granted again, and I will probably lose perspective many times, but by staying close to people with cancer I will remember.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Adversity
Cancer has not only challenged me physically over that last 2 months, but it has also brought a season of uncertainty. Will the chemo work? How long? Will I have to do more treatment? These are some of the questions that have been going through my head as of late. Not only have I acquired a fairly large amount of medical bills from the treatment, but my career which is totally based on my production has created some inconvenient concern. The business I work in is ever changing, and it has taken me a lot of time and effort to build my business, and to think of losing it, and not being able to come back to it, is not a pleasant thought. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was still single, and had nothing to lose, as well as the fact that I have been doing what I do for 8 years now and I don’t really know anything else, but trusting Gods plans and purposes, even if He were to change my career has been something that has not easily been surrendered.
I talked to a guy named Brent Hatch on the phone this week. He is a published runner, a father, husband, and cancer survivor who has a remarkable story. Read it when you get a chance as it is very inspiring. http://runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--10251-0,00.html Brent had testicular cancer 12 years ago when it was still a deadly cancer to get, and the chemo regime that is now the norm, was still experimental. After a fairly serious surgery, Brent was cured of his cancer and continued to run marathons including the Boston marathon on a yearly basis. 6 years ago after having a stroke, he was delivered another blow to the chest when preparing for a marathon. Days before his marathon Brent was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia that the doctors told him would give him less than 5 years to live. It has been 5 years now and he still runs 100 miles week preparing for his next marathon. As I talked to him I was humbled and filled with joy to hear the voice of such a content man. He talked about the chemo drugs that he has to take EVERY DAY for the rest of his life, and the concern of losing his health insurance because of the cost of his drugs. Talking to Brent gave me some real perspective and encouraged me. Brent reminded me of how cancer can really help you defeat fear, and how most people do not get that kind of an opportunity.
One of the worse parts of having cancer has been the lack of control (not that I really ever had it), and the thought of losing everything. This has also been one of the best parts. It’s easy to talk about faith and trust when everything is going good, and yet it is in the trials that we really get an opportunity to display Christ within to the world around us. When I read Brent’s story and so many others like his, I am reminded of the verse in James that instructs us “Consider it PURE JOY, when you face trials of many kinds.”
Having joy in the midst of trials, is a novel idea to most, but what if you could be the kind of person who had no fear of adversity? What if adversity began to excite you because you knew the work that God did from within through these times was more profitable than any education this world could give you, and would help people more than you could ever imagine?
I talked to a guy named Brent Hatch on the phone this week. He is a published runner, a father, husband, and cancer survivor who has a remarkable story. Read it when you get a chance as it is very inspiring. http://runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--10251-0,00.html Brent had testicular cancer 12 years ago when it was still a deadly cancer to get, and the chemo regime that is now the norm, was still experimental. After a fairly serious surgery, Brent was cured of his cancer and continued to run marathons including the Boston marathon on a yearly basis. 6 years ago after having a stroke, he was delivered another blow to the chest when preparing for a marathon. Days before his marathon Brent was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia that the doctors told him would give him less than 5 years to live. It has been 5 years now and he still runs 100 miles week preparing for his next marathon. As I talked to him I was humbled and filled with joy to hear the voice of such a content man. He talked about the chemo drugs that he has to take EVERY DAY for the rest of his life, and the concern of losing his health insurance because of the cost of his drugs. Talking to Brent gave me some real perspective and encouraged me. Brent reminded me of how cancer can really help you defeat fear, and how most people do not get that kind of an opportunity.
One of the worse parts of having cancer has been the lack of control (not that I really ever had it), and the thought of losing everything. This has also been one of the best parts. It’s easy to talk about faith and trust when everything is going good, and yet it is in the trials that we really get an opportunity to display Christ within to the world around us. When I read Brent’s story and so many others like his, I am reminded of the verse in James that instructs us “Consider it PURE JOY, when you face trials of many kinds.”
Having joy in the midst of trials, is a novel idea to most, but what if you could be the kind of person who had no fear of adversity? What if adversity began to excite you because you knew the work that God did from within through these times was more profitable than any education this world could give you, and would help people more than you could ever imagine?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Week 5 Update
Week 5 Update
I have been pleasantly surprised with how my treatment has gone this week. Although, I have had some nausea and have been getting tired, I have found a way to get through.
On Wednesday morning I found the chapel here at mercy, and decided to check it out. I didn’t know if I was allowed to go in, but I decided that I would sneak in anyways. I pushed my little IV through the door before me and stepped in. It was a small chapel that would probably seat about 15 people. It had a small alter and a large stained glass Jesus. There was no one in else in the chapel but me, and you could hear the distant sound from the automatic piano in the lounge out front.
As I began to pray I was interrupted by a woman and a young man who had stepped into the chapel. I turned to acknowledge them and said hi. They looked at me with a surprised look on their face and said hello. I couldn’t tell if I was in trouble and they were coming to tell me I had to leave, or if they were just wondering what this guy with all of these tubes hooked up to him was doing in the chapel.
As I started to take my attention away from them and look upfront, the woman interrupted me and said “excuse me,” and I said “yes”, she then began to tell me, “We were here to visit a sick friend in the hospital and felt that God had told us we were supposed to come to the chapel.” At this time the young man who was with her told me that he had heard God distinctively tell him the words “tubes”, and “cancer”, as he pulled out a small folded up piece of paper to show me where he had wrote them down prior to coming into the chapel. I could tell that they were nervous, and excited at the same time. I was also excited. I explained to them that I had cancer, and that I had felt led to go to the chapel and pray. They then asked me in a very polite way if they could pray for me, and I said yes. As they prayed for me, they were speaking words over me that I had been hearing from many others since this season began. After they finished praying they were bold and told me that they sensed that the cancer was gone and was not coming back. I had heard this once before 3 months ago, and as it turned out, the cancer returned. However I have heard this same thing now from several people over the last several weeks, and I choose to believe.
Last week I had my BETA PH Blood counts/tumor markers taken for the first time since I started chemo. This is a pregnancy test that they give to men which indicates cancer cells. A normal range is 1-7, and 4 months ago when this all stared I was over 1200. After my orchiectomy my counts came down to an 8, and I thought I was out of the woods. 5 weeks ago my counts showed a 286 which was the first indicator that the cancer was still there, which is when my oncologist decided to start my chemo. I received a call from my doctor yesterday to give me the results, and was elated to hear that they had dropped from a 286 to a 4.4 in only three weeks, which was a completely within its normal range. PTL!
I don’t know if this means that they are going to stop the chemo, but I am so willing to endure 8 more weeks of this if it is what I am supposed to do. I keep meeting some amazing people here in the chemo unit and have absolutely loved hearing the hope, and kindness that comes out of the mouths of the people that I have been spending my days with.
The nurses here have assigned me a seat in the front of this small area where they give the chemo, due to the fact that I have the most visitors and there are extra chairs up here. I have been so blessed to have visitors every day and some days they spend hours with me.
Friends and family have brought Heather and me meals every night, and it has been such a blessing to not have to cook. I feel so rich in relationships that it makes me smile. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.
I have been pleasantly surprised with how my treatment has gone this week. Although, I have had some nausea and have been getting tired, I have found a way to get through.
On Wednesday morning I found the chapel here at mercy, and decided to check it out. I didn’t know if I was allowed to go in, but I decided that I would sneak in anyways. I pushed my little IV through the door before me and stepped in. It was a small chapel that would probably seat about 15 people. It had a small alter and a large stained glass Jesus. There was no one in else in the chapel but me, and you could hear the distant sound from the automatic piano in the lounge out front.
As I began to pray I was interrupted by a woman and a young man who had stepped into the chapel. I turned to acknowledge them and said hi. They looked at me with a surprised look on their face and said hello. I couldn’t tell if I was in trouble and they were coming to tell me I had to leave, or if they were just wondering what this guy with all of these tubes hooked up to him was doing in the chapel.
As I started to take my attention away from them and look upfront, the woman interrupted me and said “excuse me,” and I said “yes”, she then began to tell me, “We were here to visit a sick friend in the hospital and felt that God had told us we were supposed to come to the chapel.” At this time the young man who was with her told me that he had heard God distinctively tell him the words “tubes”, and “cancer”, as he pulled out a small folded up piece of paper to show me where he had wrote them down prior to coming into the chapel. I could tell that they were nervous, and excited at the same time. I was also excited. I explained to them that I had cancer, and that I had felt led to go to the chapel and pray. They then asked me in a very polite way if they could pray for me, and I said yes. As they prayed for me, they were speaking words over me that I had been hearing from many others since this season began. After they finished praying they were bold and told me that they sensed that the cancer was gone and was not coming back. I had heard this once before 3 months ago, and as it turned out, the cancer returned. However I have heard this same thing now from several people over the last several weeks, and I choose to believe.
Last week I had my BETA PH Blood counts/tumor markers taken for the first time since I started chemo. This is a pregnancy test that they give to men which indicates cancer cells. A normal range is 1-7, and 4 months ago when this all stared I was over 1200. After my orchiectomy my counts came down to an 8, and I thought I was out of the woods. 5 weeks ago my counts showed a 286 which was the first indicator that the cancer was still there, which is when my oncologist decided to start my chemo. I received a call from my doctor yesterday to give me the results, and was elated to hear that they had dropped from a 286 to a 4.4 in only three weeks, which was a completely within its normal range. PTL!
I don’t know if this means that they are going to stop the chemo, but I am so willing to endure 8 more weeks of this if it is what I am supposed to do. I keep meeting some amazing people here in the chemo unit and have absolutely loved hearing the hope, and kindness that comes out of the mouths of the people that I have been spending my days with.
The nurses here have assigned me a seat in the front of this small area where they give the chemo, due to the fact that I have the most visitors and there are extra chairs up here. I have been so blessed to have visitors every day and some days they spend hours with me.
Friends and family have brought Heather and me meals every night, and it has been such a blessing to not have to cook. I feel so rich in relationships that it makes me smile. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Hair is officially gone!
Well I officially lost my bet with Dr. Mahajan @ Solace. He and Dr. Figuroa had promised me that I would lose "every hair on my head", however the statistics and some of the other Docs and nurses said that it was not for sure. Dr. Mahajan and I had bet 5$ that I would be the exception to the rule, and a friend of mine Gene Burroughs who has a wife going through treatment also threw 5$ on it.
As I started styling my hair yesterday morning I noticed large clumps of hair coming out in my hands, and I turned to Heather with a sad look on my face to show her. She came up and gave me a huge hug, and then asked me how I felt. It really was not that big of a deal, and I was actually more concerned about losing a bet, than losing my hair. :-)
I told her "if I can just get it half way styled before my first meeting this AM, I will be ok to go get it cut after that". As I continued to try and style it, the hair was falling out to the point of having to put a hat on. I went to my first meeting then went to the salon to get shaved.
As I walked in and noticed that the usual stylist that I used was not there, I figured that anyone could do the job. A young blond gal walked up and asked me what I was wanting, and I responded "take it as close to the skin as possible", and she said, "all of it?" , "Yes, all of it"...
The funny thing is that I like it, and did not think I will. It will however be interesting when my eyelashes and brows fall out. More pics to come...
Monday, February 22, 2010
New Friends - Week 3
I have new friends today. Suzie and Ron, as well as a few nurses that I am certain are angels in disguise. Seriously - To be a nurse at the oncology unit of Mercy and be around life and death to that degree, takes a special kind of person. The kind of person who knows how to shut people out, becoming jaded and protected from the continual heart breaking faces of the people who are dying, or the kind of person who knows no other way, but to live with the type of selfless compassion that strives to effect others lives for the better even if it just means giving a warm blanket, or a warm chocolate brownie for a couple seconds of relief and a smile. Maybe I see my new found reality with rose colored glasses, and it really is “just a job”, but they have got me fooled. Suzie and Ron are fellow cancer patients enduring various regimes of Chemotherapy. Ron is an old man who has been battling different forms of cancer for 2 years. He is mid height, thin, and is very friendly. Ron cares deeply for others. He was quite hopeful and optimistic about life, and was very interested in me, yet was cautious not to pry. I could tell that he had a genuine interest in the welfare of the other patients in the unit and wanted to befriend as many people as he could. Ron is wise I am looking forward to our paths crossing over the weeks to come. Suzie was starting Chemo for her first day. Suzie has Breast Cancer, and I could tell that she was afraid. To most people in the unit, I am the “young Lance Armstrong kid”, which is a really good nick name if you think about it. Although I have not been in my treatment long, I am 2 weeks ahead of Suzie, and hoped to give her some encouraging words for the week ahead of her. She was a middle aged woman, and appeared to be healthy. She still had her hair, and told me that she would be shaking her head tomorrow. We talked briefly, and Marlene (a nurse that is also a cancer survivor) told Suzie about my blog and we agreed to become Facebook friends.
I had been under the impression that the Chemotherapy regiment for Testicular cancer was not that bad. I guess I had thought that because Testicular cancer is so treatable, that the chemo regiment would be light and easy. I have since learned that up until the mid 80’s, to get Testicular cancer was a death sentence. Dr. Einhorn in Indiana found that Cisplatin, a platinum based drug, cured testicular cancer, and since using the various chemo drugs to treat TC, men have lived long happy lives. However, this chemo regiment is brutal. For 5 days in a row they pump you full of Cisplatin and Etopocide for 5 hours. They can only do this every 21 days though, because the drugs drop your white and red blood cells to the point of becoming dangerous. The lining in your throat gets weakened making it sore, you usually get sores in your mouth, and become susceptible to infections. Your hair falls out because of your platelets dropping to such low levels, and your teeth and fingernails do weird things too. Insomnia, severe constipation, nausea, ringing ears, coughing up black stuff, bloody noses, loss of libido and severe fatigue/tiredness are the almost definite side effects of this regiment. I start my second cycle next week, and up to this point I have not experienced much nausea, and thank God for that! I have had a terrible time sleeping and have had many sleepless nights. I have also experienced ringing ears to the point of being very uncomfortable, joint pains, and working 4 hours feels like a 12 hour day.
As I start my regime next week, I am prepared for what the old chemo pros call “the hump”, which is the second round of chemo. From there I will almost be half way and can set my mind on the good things to come. I decided that while I am going through this, I am going to try to the best of my ability to make new friends, encourage others, and let God use me in this place. I am not doing this because I am noble, but because I know that it is the solution. Happiness and peace are a byproduct of right living, and being of service to my fellow man has always helped me to somehow forget about my problems and be momentarily freed from the bondage of self centeredness.
I will meditate on this classic Catholic prayer from St. Francis of Assisi
"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace –
that where there is hatred, I may bring love –
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness –
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony –
that where there is error, I may bring truth –
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith –
that where there is despair, I may bring hope –
that where there are shadows, I may bring light –
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted –
to understand, than to be understood –
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."
I had been under the impression that the Chemotherapy regiment for Testicular cancer was not that bad. I guess I had thought that because Testicular cancer is so treatable, that the chemo regiment would be light and easy. I have since learned that up until the mid 80’s, to get Testicular cancer was a death sentence. Dr. Einhorn in Indiana found that Cisplatin, a platinum based drug, cured testicular cancer, and since using the various chemo drugs to treat TC, men have lived long happy lives. However, this chemo regiment is brutal. For 5 days in a row they pump you full of Cisplatin and Etopocide for 5 hours. They can only do this every 21 days though, because the drugs drop your white and red blood cells to the point of becoming dangerous. The lining in your throat gets weakened making it sore, you usually get sores in your mouth, and become susceptible to infections. Your hair falls out because of your platelets dropping to such low levels, and your teeth and fingernails do weird things too. Insomnia, severe constipation, nausea, ringing ears, coughing up black stuff, bloody noses, loss of libido and severe fatigue/tiredness are the almost definite side effects of this regiment. I start my second cycle next week, and up to this point I have not experienced much nausea, and thank God for that! I have had a terrible time sleeping and have had many sleepless nights. I have also experienced ringing ears to the point of being very uncomfortable, joint pains, and working 4 hours feels like a 12 hour day.
As I start my regime next week, I am prepared for what the old chemo pros call “the hump”, which is the second round of chemo. From there I will almost be half way and can set my mind on the good things to come. I decided that while I am going through this, I am going to try to the best of my ability to make new friends, encourage others, and let God use me in this place. I am not doing this because I am noble, but because I know that it is the solution. Happiness and peace are a byproduct of right living, and being of service to my fellow man has always helped me to somehow forget about my problems and be momentarily freed from the bondage of self centeredness.
I will meditate on this classic Catholic prayer from St. Francis of Assisi
"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace –
that where there is hatred, I may bring love –
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness –
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony –
that where there is error, I may bring truth –
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith –
that where there is despair, I may bring hope –
that where there are shadows, I may bring light –
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted –
to understand, than to be understood –
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Life is lighter this way.
I woke up this morning @ 2:30 am, and did not sleep the night before. I don’t exactly know why this is, but I am reminded of my old timer friends who would reply to someone complaining about not getting enough sleep with "a little sleep deprivation never killed anyone,” in a usually brash grumpy old voice.
While I lied awake I thought of all of the broken marriages in our midst, I thought of the people who were making some very bad decisions with their life, and it may had been the first time in weeks that I was actually just able to lie there and pray over the faces as I could think of them. I prayed for Heathers sleep, my family, and thanked God from the bottom of my heart for how rich my life has been.
I had to sleep in the spare room, and may have to again tonight due to the constant distraction of using the restroom every 30 minutes and waking Heather. This is something I refuse to get used to.
As I started my day I was reminded that if this is where He has me right now, than my prayer is simple. Lord, allow me the chance to pack into the stream of life whatever you see fit today. With the clients that I meet with, the faces that I sit with, and the voices that I listen to, may I be more concerned with what I will give than what I am going to take. You fill me with all I need, and allow me peace to trust that you will continue to do what you have simply always done.. Amen
While I lied awake I thought of all of the broken marriages in our midst, I thought of the people who were making some very bad decisions with their life, and it may had been the first time in weeks that I was actually just able to lie there and pray over the faces as I could think of them. I prayed for Heathers sleep, my family, and thanked God from the bottom of my heart for how rich my life has been.
I had to sleep in the spare room, and may have to again tonight due to the constant distraction of using the restroom every 30 minutes and waking Heather. This is something I refuse to get used to.
As I started my day I was reminded that if this is where He has me right now, than my prayer is simple. Lord, allow me the chance to pack into the stream of life whatever you see fit today. With the clients that I meet with, the faces that I sit with, and the voices that I listen to, may I be more concerned with what I will give than what I am going to take. You fill me with all I need, and allow me peace to trust that you will continue to do what you have simply always done.. Amen
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Day 6- A good day!
For almost every Sunday for the last several years, I have been involved in one thing or another with the Sunday service at church. I have almost forgot what it was like to show up early and soak it all in. What a pleasure and a release. It was difficult for me to tell people that they were not allowed to hug me today, due to the fact that I sometimes battle being a people pleaser, and my white blood cells are depleted to the point of being fairly susceptible to infection, but I managed to hide in the back from all of the lovely Sunday huggers for most of the sermon. There was a couple of renegade huggers in there, but Heather and pastor warned them that next time there would be pepper spray.
Friday marked my first full week of treatment. I would have posted something sooner, but the drugs and the naps got the best of me for a while there, and this is the first time that I have actually been able to sit down and think somewhat clearly since I left the hospital. Plus the theme of my blog has been somewhat optimistic, and to be honest, there wasn’t a lot of optimism coming out of room 109 over the last week.The Chemo was not as rough for me as it was for some, but it definitely is something that is hard to explain to someone who has never had it before. Getting pumped full of poison every couple of hours and battling the cold sweats is something that I would compare to a drug addict detoxing.. That and the constant constipation and feeling the need to go pee from all of the pre/post hydration is enough to drive anyone crazy. The upside to all of this is that I am alive and have a great prognosis. I walked by several rooms of loved ones who were dying on the oncology unit if Mercy and peered in the rooms to see large families embracing each other and crying. I also saw people who had twice the amount of drugs strapped to their IV’s and looked as if they had it 10 times worse than me. It can always be worse, and I choose to be thankful. Very thankful..
Happy Valentines Heather!! She gets the reward for being the most selfless.. What a trooper. It makes me somewhat sad to know that her first valentine would be a grumpy sick cancer patient in her first 2 weeks of being married. Through sickness and in health. We are starting with sickness.
I went in today for a marrow/white blood cell shot that is supposed to help me produce more white blood cells over the next week as my immunity grows weaker. I am warned that the joint pains that are coming as a result of this shot can be a ***ch, but I guess it beats the alternative of being sick.
I have attached a photo from Dave and Mark. These are two of my good friends who thought that they would join me in my baldness in the weeks to come. They showed up at church today bald and then sent me this picture for my pleasure.. And now yours…
Friday marked my first full week of treatment. I would have posted something sooner, but the drugs and the naps got the best of me for a while there, and this is the first time that I have actually been able to sit down and think somewhat clearly since I left the hospital. Plus the theme of my blog has been somewhat optimistic, and to be honest, there wasn’t a lot of optimism coming out of room 109 over the last week.The Chemo was not as rough for me as it was for some, but it definitely is something that is hard to explain to someone who has never had it before. Getting pumped full of poison every couple of hours and battling the cold sweats is something that I would compare to a drug addict detoxing.. That and the constant constipation and feeling the need to go pee from all of the pre/post hydration is enough to drive anyone crazy. The upside to all of this is that I am alive and have a great prognosis. I walked by several rooms of loved ones who were dying on the oncology unit if Mercy and peered in the rooms to see large families embracing each other and crying. I also saw people who had twice the amount of drugs strapped to their IV’s and looked as if they had it 10 times worse than me. It can always be worse, and I choose to be thankful. Very thankful..
Happy Valentines Heather!! She gets the reward for being the most selfless.. What a trooper. It makes me somewhat sad to know that her first valentine would be a grumpy sick cancer patient in her first 2 weeks of being married. Through sickness and in health. We are starting with sickness.
I went in today for a marrow/white blood cell shot that is supposed to help me produce more white blood cells over the next week as my immunity grows weaker. I am warned that the joint pains that are coming as a result of this shot can be a ***ch, but I guess it beats the alternative of being sick.
I have attached a photo from Dave and Mark. These are two of my good friends who thought that they would join me in my baldness in the weeks to come. They showed up at church today bald and then sent me this picture for my pleasure.. And now yours…
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Day 3
Day 3
Although I have visited the oncology unit here @ mercy on several occasions, I don’t think that the thought ever crossed my mind that one day I would be staying here.
The food here is not so hot, so I am looking forward to some of my friends smuggling me something in. I guess I should glad that I have an appetite still. The nurses and staff her are incredible and I am enjoying getting to know them and becoming known by them. I have also met some of the other cancer patients here and they are some of the sweetest people that one could meet.
Heather has stayed with me the last couple of nights and it has made my time here much more bearable. Luckily she is so small; otherwise I don’t see how we could both fit on such a small bed. But we somehow make it work. It probably helps that the nurses are giving me Ambien to help me sleep at night and I once I fall asleep I go into a coma… Literally..
I have had two full days of chemo and have three to go before I am released for the weekend. I am so looking forward to being home in my own bed. Although the first two days have not been so bad, I am starting to feel the fatigue, and have noticed some definite symptoms to the meds. My throat is getting a little sore, and I have been getting the hick-ups something fierce. While I am grateful that it has not gotten that rough yet, and the nausea has not kicked in, I am told that the 6th day is usually when my white blood cells and platelets will be at their lowest.
I have decided not to shave my head until I have to. Sorry Rick :-) But I have been getting mixed messages about the whole hair loss thing. My MD has told me that I will lose my hair, and some of the other docs have said that there is a less than 10% chance. I should know soon, and if I start to see hair on my pillow or in the shower, I will be making a trip to the barber shop for a little trim.
Someone really encouraged me with this scripture the other day.
John 9:1-3
1As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”.
Although I have visited the oncology unit here @ mercy on several occasions, I don’t think that the thought ever crossed my mind that one day I would be staying here.
The food here is not so hot, so I am looking forward to some of my friends smuggling me something in. I guess I should glad that I have an appetite still. The nurses and staff her are incredible and I am enjoying getting to know them and becoming known by them. I have also met some of the other cancer patients here and they are some of the sweetest people that one could meet.
Heather has stayed with me the last couple of nights and it has made my time here much more bearable. Luckily she is so small; otherwise I don’t see how we could both fit on such a small bed. But we somehow make it work. It probably helps that the nurses are giving me Ambien to help me sleep at night and I once I fall asleep I go into a coma… Literally..
I have had two full days of chemo and have three to go before I am released for the weekend. I am so looking forward to being home in my own bed. Although the first two days have not been so bad, I am starting to feel the fatigue, and have noticed some definite symptoms to the meds. My throat is getting a little sore, and I have been getting the hick-ups something fierce. While I am grateful that it has not gotten that rough yet, and the nausea has not kicked in, I am told that the 6th day is usually when my white blood cells and platelets will be at their lowest.
I have decided not to shave my head until I have to. Sorry Rick :-) But I have been getting mixed messages about the whole hair loss thing. My MD has told me that I will lose my hair, and some of the other docs have said that there is a less than 10% chance. I should know soon, and if I start to see hair on my pillow or in the shower, I will be making a trip to the barber shop for a little trim.
Someone really encouraged me with this scripture the other day.
John 9:1-3
1As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I was sitting in my house this morning getting ready to head to the hospital, and I noticed nature’s orchestra resounding out the windows of my house. I live near the river, and my house backs up to a large canopy of trees, so the various types of birds sounding off their greatest tune, would make any one with the ears to listen, smile, and somehow remind and awaken you to something deeper. It brings a certain type of peace that is priceless. I have a lot to learn from the birds in the air.
It has been almost two weeks since I last wrote in this blog. It has been a crazy couple of weeks and a lot has changed in a short amount of time. I am now officially the luckiest man ever. Heather and I have just lived out our first full week of being married, and it has been a wild experience. I am sure it always takes some adjusting, but for us, it has been a whirlwind.
We were married on Friday the 29th, and spent a couple of days up in Mt Shasta. Although it was too short, and not the Jamaica trip we were planning for, we enjoyed it immensely We came home and moved some of her stuff into my place and tried to get prepared for the 12 weeks of Chemo that starts today. My… I mean “Our” house, kind of resembles the aftermath of a tornado. At least it feels that way to me. We have gifts all over the place, dying flowers, pictures, cloths scattered all around, and it finally is starting to feel like a home:-)
I have been humbled by all of the support, and love from my friends and family, but most of all the prayers. Although the supernatural healing that we were all contending for is not what has happened yet, I have had no fear. I have been joyful and peaceful for the most part. I believe that this is a direct result to prayer. Whether you believe in the adversary of our souls or not, I do. It has been at times such as these that he has tried to steal and destroy the plans and purposes of something greater to come. Fear is his main tool for getting us there, and I have been able to work through the temptation to of falling into fear and/or being ungrateful through this season. This is a result of the many prayers and is also what I would request you to continue to pray for. My greatest fear is not that I would die, or get sick, etc., but that my eyes and ears would be closed to the voice of God in this.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Greatest Sermon Ever Preached
"Blessed are you who are poor,
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
I was reading this today and thought that I would post it. What does Jesus mean here when He refers to the poor? Does he mean the economically disenfranchised? Or does he mean poor in spirit, or the brother in humble circumstances? What does it mean to hunger now? Is he referring to those who have nothing left to cling to and are conscious and aware of their desperation for Him?
And finally, what actions does one take to get to a place of utter dependence without creating chaos and adversity? Do we pray for humility or ask
God to bring out the flame thrower? Or is their a way that we can seek humility, gratitude, and stay in a place of dependence?
And the scripture goes on..
23"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
24"But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
25Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
26Woe to you when all men speak well of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
Is it possible to be rich and still live in the Kingdom? And what is rich? 96% of the worlds population does not even own a car, and 50% of the world makes less than 2$ a day. Is it safe to say that if you own a car and make more than minimum wage that you are a rich person? Not if we compare ourselves with everyone else in America. But if you have ever traveled to a third world country, you cant help but noticing that the majority of the world does not live like we do.
One of the traps a lot of people fall into is the idea that "once I make X amount of dollars, I will give more, or I will pursue my dreams."
At what point does rich become rich?
for yours is the kingdom of God.
21Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
for you will laugh.
22Blessed are you when men hate you,
when they exclude you and insult you
and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
I was reading this today and thought that I would post it. What does Jesus mean here when He refers to the poor? Does he mean the economically disenfranchised? Or does he mean poor in spirit, or the brother in humble circumstances? What does it mean to hunger now? Is he referring to those who have nothing left to cling to and are conscious and aware of their desperation for Him?
And finally, what actions does one take to get to a place of utter dependence without creating chaos and adversity? Do we pray for humility or ask
God to bring out the flame thrower? Or is their a way that we can seek humility, gratitude, and stay in a place of dependence?
And the scripture goes on..
23"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.
24"But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
25Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
26Woe to you when all men speak well of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.
Is it possible to be rich and still live in the Kingdom? And what is rich? 96% of the worlds population does not even own a car, and 50% of the world makes less than 2$ a day. Is it safe to say that if you own a car and make more than minimum wage that you are a rich person? Not if we compare ourselves with everyone else in America. But if you have ever traveled to a third world country, you cant help but noticing that the majority of the world does not live like we do.
One of the traps a lot of people fall into is the idea that "once I make X amount of dollars, I will give more, or I will pursue my dreams."
At what point does rich become rich?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Beautiful Mess
Not too long ago, I met this amazing little gal named Heather. We got to know one another very quickly, and I think that within the first week I was convinced that this was the girl that I had been looking for. We got engaged on Christmas day and began the planning of what we had hoped to be a beautiful spring wedding, with all of our closest friends and family members. It was going to be one heck of a party, followed by an amazing honeymoon somewhere with white sands and blue waters.
Just before we were ready to book our trip, secure our venue, and send out our invitations, we got the cancer news.
I remember chatting with Heather months ago about different types of weddings. I think I told her that I was a fan of smaller weddings and even running off somewhere like some crazy teenagers. I was half kidding. But the idea of people going into debt, or spending large sums of money on one day has never sat quite right with me. She on the other hand (like most girls) has dreamed of this day since she was a young girl, and has basically been planning her wedding for 20 years. Once we were officially engaged, I let her plan what she wanted, and was going to be supportive in any way that I could. This girl deserves the best. Trust me. However I couldn't let her get caught up in the stress of planning a wedding without dropping the hint- "ya know,,, Reno or Tahoe would sure be nice this time of year." Although she thought this was funny and laughed it off, I was kind of serious.
On Monday when we got the news, there were a lot of things that were uncertain. Thoughts about putting off our wedding date, mountains of medical bills, losing all the momentum in my career, being sterile, etc, were racing through my mind. Although I was not in fear about the cancer, the thought of not being able to marry Heather when I wanted to, was disappointing. Then I started feeling bad for her, and even told her, "this may be a good time for you to reconsider your decision." I guess I just felt like it would be unselfish of me to give her an out. This was obviously not going to happen, and her response made me feel like a very lucky man.
After a night and a day of processing this bend in the road, we started talking about our options. At this point I was planning on putting our date back for 6 months or so. Heather had been talking to our parents and told me that she was entertaining the idea of getting married earlier so that she could be there for me if/when times got rough during the chemo. When I heard her mention this, I had a hard time holding in my excitement of the possibility. I felt like a high school boy who just got his first phone number. I said to her “Have you prayed about this?.” She said “ Yes, and this is what I want to do. I cannot imagine waiting through this, and not being able to be with you if things get rough.” As much as this idea was music to my ears, I was very concerned of how this would all play out. I must have sounded like I was trying to talk her out of it, however, I was only trying to understand where she was coming from. I guess I felt as if I was killing her dreams, and was thinking of how tough our first three months of marriage would be living with a bald grouchy cancer patient. This of course was being a little dramatic, and extreme, however it was definitely not your ideal circumstances. She persisted that this was her decision. This was a tough decision to make for a guy like me. As I stepped back to try and seek the “right” decision, I realized that there wasn’t one.
After seeking counsel from our close friends and family, as well as fasting and praying, we made a decision to move our wedding date up a couple months and have a small wedding in 2 weeks. Even as I type this sentence I still am having a hard time believing the circumstances that we find ourselves in. I was out with some friends last night for one of my other friend’s bachelor parties, or bachelor dinner and movie I should say, and someone made mention that I too was getting married. One of the guys at our table asked “Awesome!, when are you guys getting married?” I said “2 weeks.” He then asked “ How long have you guys been engaged?”, I said “2 weeks.” There was this part of me that desperately felt the need to explain myself, and to make sure that others knew that I usually make mature and well thought out decisions, but I guess I am learning to ignore that part of me..
As I tell people about what we are doing, I keep thinking to myself that this isn’t exactly your storybook way of doing things, but the more that I think about it, and the more that I write about it, the more I remember that this is Gods story and I am just a part of it, trying to play my role the best I can. Life is messy sometimes, and it is often in the messiness that we find beauty.
Just before we were ready to book our trip, secure our venue, and send out our invitations, we got the cancer news.
I remember chatting with Heather months ago about different types of weddings. I think I told her that I was a fan of smaller weddings and even running off somewhere like some crazy teenagers. I was half kidding. But the idea of people going into debt, or spending large sums of money on one day has never sat quite right with me. She on the other hand (like most girls) has dreamed of this day since she was a young girl, and has basically been planning her wedding for 20 years. Once we were officially engaged, I let her plan what she wanted, and was going to be supportive in any way that I could. This girl deserves the best. Trust me. However I couldn't let her get caught up in the stress of planning a wedding without dropping the hint- "ya know,,, Reno or Tahoe would sure be nice this time of year." Although she thought this was funny and laughed it off, I was kind of serious.
On Monday when we got the news, there were a lot of things that were uncertain. Thoughts about putting off our wedding date, mountains of medical bills, losing all the momentum in my career, being sterile, etc, were racing through my mind. Although I was not in fear about the cancer, the thought of not being able to marry Heather when I wanted to, was disappointing. Then I started feeling bad for her, and even told her, "this may be a good time for you to reconsider your decision." I guess I just felt like it would be unselfish of me to give her an out. This was obviously not going to happen, and her response made me feel like a very lucky man.
After a night and a day of processing this bend in the road, we started talking about our options. At this point I was planning on putting our date back for 6 months or so. Heather had been talking to our parents and told me that she was entertaining the idea of getting married earlier so that she could be there for me if/when times got rough during the chemo. When I heard her mention this, I had a hard time holding in my excitement of the possibility. I felt like a high school boy who just got his first phone number. I said to her “Have you prayed about this?.” She said “ Yes, and this is what I want to do. I cannot imagine waiting through this, and not being able to be with you if things get rough.” As much as this idea was music to my ears, I was very concerned of how this would all play out. I must have sounded like I was trying to talk her out of it, however, I was only trying to understand where she was coming from. I guess I felt as if I was killing her dreams, and was thinking of how tough our first three months of marriage would be living with a bald grouchy cancer patient. This of course was being a little dramatic, and extreme, however it was definitely not your ideal circumstances. She persisted that this was her decision. This was a tough decision to make for a guy like me. As I stepped back to try and seek the “right” decision, I realized that there wasn’t one.
After seeking counsel from our close friends and family, as well as fasting and praying, we made a decision to move our wedding date up a couple months and have a small wedding in 2 weeks. Even as I type this sentence I still am having a hard time believing the circumstances that we find ourselves in. I was out with some friends last night for one of my other friend’s bachelor parties, or bachelor dinner and movie I should say, and someone made mention that I too was getting married. One of the guys at our table asked “Awesome!, when are you guys getting married?” I said “2 weeks.” He then asked “ How long have you guys been engaged?”, I said “2 weeks.” There was this part of me that desperately felt the need to explain myself, and to make sure that others knew that I usually make mature and well thought out decisions, but I guess I am learning to ignore that part of me..
As I tell people about what we are doing, I keep thinking to myself that this isn’t exactly your storybook way of doing things, but the more that I think about it, and the more that I write about it, the more I remember that this is Gods story and I am just a part of it, trying to play my role the best I can. Life is messy sometimes, and it is often in the messiness that we find beauty.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The road turns.
I decided to create a blog. I have a few blogs already, but they are related to business and other things, so I wanted to create one for everything else..
I woke up this morning at 4am for some reason and couldn't shut my mind off. Why not start a blog? After all what else is there to do @ 4am?
I started reading Lance Armstrong's book last night "Its not about the bike".. Wow! I am sure a lot of people say this, but I really identify with his story. (besides the whole Tour De France part). But he goes right into the wild ride of having testicular cancer. All the way from having one of his testes removed, to the fears and uncertainty of his very near future. He talks about having to freeze sperm @ a sperm bank, and does not leave out an x-ray, or a blood test to his journey through cancer and treatment. I have been reading a lot of spiritual, business, and sales books for so long now, that I forgot what it was like to read anything else. My friend Jeremy who is also going through Chemo brought it by my office yesterday. What a gift!
It has been three days since I found out that the cancer has returned. I had my first appt with my oncologist on Tues. His name is Dr. Figuerero and he seems to know what he is doing. I did my checking up on him though :-) Lucky for me I have several family members in the medicine field, and a friend who is a respected cardiologist here in California. After getting a couple of second opinions, and praying, I feel that this is the right road for me.
My soon to be wife (sooner or later now), and my family met me @ Solace Cancer Care in Redding. After waiting for nearly an hour, Dr. Fig came in and discussed my case with me. He basically told me that they could not find the cancer yet, but after doing an MRI on my head, and a chest X-Ray, he believed they would find it. He then discussed treatment options. I was hoping that I would get away with some mild Chemo, maybe 1- 2 weeks worth, or possibly a 96 hour blast of it once every 2 weeks. The actual treatment seems much more complex than that. I will be admitted to the hospital for 5 days in a row every 1st week of the month and will be injected for 5 hours a day. Then the following three weeks of the month, I will go in every Monday for a 2 hour dose of some more.:-) In order to save my veins from blowing out, they are going to insert a port into my chest that will go into my jugular vein and down to the top of my heart. This will go on for three months. He then told me that I would be as good as sterile after the treatment. He actually said "you will be shooting blanks", so if you want to have kids someday you will have to go to the nearest sperm bank and freeze some away.. Sounds fun right?
After discussing all of this for about 2 hours, you feel like going to sleep for 3 days. Its a lot to process.
Oh yea, and I am going to lose all of my hair! I went to the stylist today and got a haircut. I had her cut it real short, and am hoping that I can kind of step it down over the next couple of weeks. I have never seen my head shaved bald before, so this ought to be an interesting time. I have a lot of cool hats if I end up looking like Dr Evil from Austin Powers.
I have decided to fast and pray for three days. Heather is joining me, and we are going to be praying over Matthew 11:28 from the Message..
I believe that the peace I have today is a direct result of all the prayers from my dearest friends and family who have begged God to save this crazy kid named Chris for years . Thank you :-)
Peace and Grace,
I woke up this morning at 4am for some reason and couldn't shut my mind off. Why not start a blog? After all what else is there to do @ 4am?
I started reading Lance Armstrong's book last night "Its not about the bike".. Wow! I am sure a lot of people say this, but I really identify with his story. (besides the whole Tour De France part). But he goes right into the wild ride of having testicular cancer. All the way from having one of his testes removed, to the fears and uncertainty of his very near future. He talks about having to freeze sperm @ a sperm bank, and does not leave out an x-ray, or a blood test to his journey through cancer and treatment. I have been reading a lot of spiritual, business, and sales books for so long now, that I forgot what it was like to read anything else. My friend Jeremy who is also going through Chemo brought it by my office yesterday. What a gift!
It has been three days since I found out that the cancer has returned. I had my first appt with my oncologist on Tues. His name is Dr. Figuerero and he seems to know what he is doing. I did my checking up on him though :-) Lucky for me I have several family members in the medicine field, and a friend who is a respected cardiologist here in California. After getting a couple of second opinions, and praying, I feel that this is the right road for me.
My soon to be wife (sooner or later now), and my family met me @ Solace Cancer Care in Redding. After waiting for nearly an hour, Dr. Fig came in and discussed my case with me. He basically told me that they could not find the cancer yet, but after doing an MRI on my head, and a chest X-Ray, he believed they would find it. He then discussed treatment options. I was hoping that I would get away with some mild Chemo, maybe 1- 2 weeks worth, or possibly a 96 hour blast of it once every 2 weeks. The actual treatment seems much more complex than that. I will be admitted to the hospital for 5 days in a row every 1st week of the month and will be injected for 5 hours a day. Then the following three weeks of the month, I will go in every Monday for a 2 hour dose of some more.:-) In order to save my veins from blowing out, they are going to insert a port into my chest that will go into my jugular vein and down to the top of my heart. This will go on for three months. He then told me that I would be as good as sterile after the treatment. He actually said "you will be shooting blanks", so if you want to have kids someday you will have to go to the nearest sperm bank and freeze some away.. Sounds fun right?
After discussing all of this for about 2 hours, you feel like going to sleep for 3 days. Its a lot to process.
Oh yea, and I am going to lose all of my hair! I went to the stylist today and got a haircut. I had her cut it real short, and am hoping that I can kind of step it down over the next couple of weeks. I have never seen my head shaved bald before, so this ought to be an interesting time. I have a lot of cool hats if I end up looking like Dr Evil from Austin Powers.
I have decided to fast and pray for three days. Heather is joining me, and we are going to be praying over Matthew 11:28 from the Message..
Matthew 11:28
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
I believe that the peace I have today is a direct result of all the prayers from my dearest friends and family who have begged God to save this crazy kid named Chris for years . Thank you :-)
Peace and Grace,
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