Closer or farther?

When I started this journey through chemo, I had decided that writing would be a great way to process and record my thoughts and feelings of what I would experience, but also to take note of what God was doing through it. I decided to create a blog to share it with my friends and family and to create a place for people to peer in on my life through chemo and to also have an idea of how to pray.

I started this journey a little over 4 months ago when I was at a relay race at Wiskeytown Lake. I got to a place where the pain I was feeling in one of my testicles was too much to bear and a few of my friends insisted that I get to the doctors. It was no more than 1 week later that I went under the knife and was having the orchiectomy, and what was supposed to be a 1 day surgery has turned into quite another story.

Within 90 days of the surgery I was made aware of the cancer still being present and was referred to an oncologist to start chemotherapy immediately. As most of you know from my previous blogs, this chemo regiment is very extreme, and for the first 2 cycles of it I had a pretty good attitude for the most part. I mean there were days that I was pretty out of it, fatigued, and feeling many other side effects of the chemo, but it was bearable and I was getting some invaluable revelation all throughout the process.

The chemo is accumulative and builds on its last cycle, and this last cycle was a tough one. One of the reasons why my blogs have slowed, and have also been so short, is because of how the chemo has affected me. This last round was the first round that I have experienced some nausea and felt some of the symptoms that I have seen my fellow cancer patients experiencing. Oh yeah, and did I tell you I gained 15 lbs.  With the steroids they are giving me, and the screwed up digestive system, added to the comfort eating of things like doughnuts and whatever else I want, I have managed to fit into my pants a little better.. I have seen many people in chemo that have lost 30-40 lbs to the point of being unhealthy and I would rather be where I am, than so sick that they have to put a feeding tube in me, but this extra pack that is situated right on the front of my abdomen is pretty rough to look at.. haha

Several people have asked me over the last couple of weeks how my marriage is. That is kind of hard for me to answer. Heather and I are going through the adjustments of living with someone and being newlyweds, like everyone else does, but with cancer. Cancer makes things a little more interesting. Not only are we arguing about the proper way to cook spaghetti and clean house, but we also have 2 weeks a month when I am sick and tired and have little energy to do anything. One of the side effects of the chemo is depression. This kind of depression is really tough. Normal things like a sunny day, or a fun hike with some friends, created some level of joy and elevates your serotonin levels, but not after a cycle of Cisplatin. The doctors suggest taking some periodic medication for it, but I have opted out. I just remind myself that it is only a side effect and that it will pass. I have also has a few people offer me Marijuana and Pot brownies. One person actually offered me a popcorn ball with weed in it. Hmm, I never had one of those.. lol.. Anyways, I am not taking anything for the depression and it is bearable with prayer and reaching out to others. That has always worked for me. The tough part is how it affects being married. It’s one thing to feel depressed and to sit around licking your wounds with the “poor me’s”, but when you feel like you are dragging someone else through it with you, it makes matters worse. 2 Weeks after my chemo I start coming out of it, and we have a “calm between storms”, and usually will go out on a date, take some walks, and do some fun things, but it surly hasn’t been a “honeymoon phase”.

One thing I can say is she is a trooper. Taking care of a bald, fat, grumpy, cancer patient, who isn’t very nice sometimes sure wouldn’t be the first thing I would sign up for, and she not only does it every day, but she seems to still be happy with our decision to get married earlier than we had planned. It makes me feel guilty and convicted when I think about the roles being reversed. She is a better person than I am. That’s why I married her.

Staying spiritually fit through this has been a challenge. Not that it is not always a challenge, but I am typically a pretty disciplined person. I have for years now taken time each morning to pray and have time with the Lord, and have valued this time greatly. I am a firm believer in taking time each day to slow down and listen to the still small voice inside of you. I also believe that some of the most effective work we can do in our lives is the work that is done inside our prayer closet. All that being said, I have felt like a “wave tossed by the wind” over the last month and have found it difficult to connect with God. Is this just a season? I don’t know, but I do know that I can find a way to stay closer to Him through this.

I have one more round of chemo left and it starts in two weeks. I should feel so blessed knowing how well my prognosis is compared to many of my friends who have not been getting such good news, but the thought of getting plugged into the IV for another week straight and going through this again makes me literally nauseous. I know that God has me here for a reason and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world, but am sure looking forward to getting to the other side and having a break between this challenge and the next.