Hair is officially gone!

Well I officially lost my bet with Dr. Mahajan @ Solace. He and Dr. Figuroa had promised me that I would lose "every hair on my head", however the statistics and some of the other Docs and nurses said that it was not for sure. Dr. Mahajan and I had bet 5$ that I would be the exception to the rule, and a friend of mine Gene Burroughs who has a wife going through treatment also threw 5$ on it.

As I started styling my hair yesterday morning I noticed large clumps of hair coming out in my hands, and I turned to Heather with a sad look on my face to show her. She came up and gave me a huge hug, and then asked me how I felt. It really was not that big of a deal, and I was actually more concerned about losing a bet, than losing my hair. :-)

I told her "if I can just get it half way styled before my first meeting this AM, I will be ok to go get it cut after that". As I continued to try and style it, the hair was falling out to the point of having to put a hat on. I went to my first meeting then went to the salon to get shaved.

As I walked in and noticed that the usual stylist that I used was not there, I figured that anyone could do the job. A young blond gal walked up and asked me what I was wanting, and I responded "take it as close to the skin as possible", and she said, "all of it?" , "Yes, all of it"...

The funny thing is that I like it, and did not think I will. It will however be interesting when my eyelashes and brows fall out. More pics to come...

New Friends - Week 3

I have new friends today. Suzie and Ron, as well as a few nurses that I am certain are angels in disguise. Seriously - To be a nurse at the oncology unit of Mercy and be around life and death to that degree, takes a special kind of person. The kind of person who knows how to shut people out, becoming jaded and protected from the continual heart breaking faces of the people who are dying, or the kind of person who knows no other way, but to live with the type of selfless compassion that strives to effect others lives for the better even if it just means giving a warm blanket, or a warm chocolate brownie for a couple seconds of relief and a smile. Maybe I see my new found reality with rose colored glasses, and it really is “just a job”, but they have got me fooled. Suzie and Ron are fellow cancer patients enduring various regimes of Chemotherapy. Ron is an old man who has been battling different forms of cancer for 2 years. He is mid height, thin, and is very friendly. Ron cares deeply for others. He was quite hopeful and optimistic about life, and was very interested in me, yet was cautious not to pry. I could tell that he had a genuine interest in the welfare of the other patients in the unit and wanted to befriend as many people as he could. Ron is wise I am looking forward to our paths crossing over the weeks to come. Suzie was starting Chemo for her first day. Suzie has Breast Cancer, and I could tell that she was afraid. To most people in the unit, I am the “young Lance Armstrong kid”, which is a really good nick name if you think about it. Although I have not been in my treatment long, I am 2 weeks ahead of Suzie, and hoped to give her some encouraging words for the week ahead of her. She was a middle aged woman, and appeared to be healthy. She still had her hair, and told me that she would be shaking her head tomorrow. We talked briefly, and Marlene (a nurse that is also a cancer survivor) told Suzie about my blog and we agreed to become Facebook friends.


I had been under the impression that the Chemotherapy regiment for Testicular cancer was not that bad. I guess I had thought that because Testicular cancer is so treatable, that the chemo regiment would be light and easy. I have since learned that up until the mid 80’s, to get Testicular cancer was a death sentence. Dr. Einhorn in Indiana found that Cisplatin, a platinum based drug, cured testicular cancer, and since using the various chemo drugs to treat TC, men have lived long happy lives. However, this chemo regiment is brutal. For 5 days in a row they pump you full of Cisplatin and Etopocide for 5 hours. They can only do this every 21 days though, because the drugs drop your white and red blood cells to the point of becoming dangerous. The lining in your throat gets weakened making it sore, you usually get sores in your mouth, and become susceptible to infections. Your hair falls out because of your platelets dropping to such low levels, and your teeth and fingernails do weird things too. Insomnia, severe constipation, nausea, ringing ears, coughing up black stuff, bloody noses, loss of libido and severe fatigue/tiredness are the almost definite side effects of this regiment. I start my second cycle next week, and up to this point I have not experienced much nausea, and thank God for that! I have had a terrible time sleeping and have had many sleepless nights. I have also experienced ringing ears to the point of being very uncomfortable, joint pains, and working 4 hours feels like a 12 hour day.

As I start my regime next week, I am prepared for what the old chemo pros call “the hump”, which is the second round of chemo. From there I will almost be half way and can set my mind on the good things to come. I decided that while I am going through this, I am going to try to the best of my ability to make new friends, encourage others, and let God use me in this place. I am not doing this because I am noble, but because I know that it is the solution. Happiness and peace are a byproduct of right living, and being of service to my fellow man has always helped me to somehow forget about my problems and be momentarily freed from the bondage of self centeredness.

I will meditate on this classic Catholic prayer from St. Francis of Assisi

"Lord, make me a channel of thy peace –
that where there is hatred, I may bring love –
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness –
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony –
that where there is error, I may bring truth –
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith –
that where there is despair, I may bring hope –
that where there are shadows, I may bring light –
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted –
to understand, than to be understood –
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen."

Life is lighter this way.

I woke up this morning @ 2:30 am, and did not sleep the night before. I don’t exactly know why this is, but I am reminded of my old timer friends who would reply to someone complaining about not getting enough sleep with "a little sleep deprivation never killed anyone,” in a usually brash grumpy old voice.

While I lied awake I thought of all of the broken marriages in our midst, I thought of the people who were making some very bad decisions with their life, and it may had been the first time in weeks that I was actually just able to lie there and pray over the faces as I could think of them. I prayed for Heathers sleep, my family, and thanked God from the bottom of my heart for how rich my life has been.

I had to sleep in the spare room, and may have to again tonight due to the constant distraction of using the restroom every 30 minutes and waking Heather. This is something I refuse to get used to.

As I started my day I was reminded that if this is where He has me right now, than my prayer is simple. Lord, allow me the chance to pack into the stream of life whatever you see fit today. With the clients that I meet with, the faces that I sit with, and the voices that I listen to, may I be more concerned with what I will give than what I am going to take. You fill me with all I need, and allow me peace to trust that you will continue to do what you have simply always done.. Amen

Day 6- A good day!

For almost every Sunday for the last several years, I have been involved in one thing or another with the Sunday service at church. I have almost forgot what it was like to show up early and soak it all in. What a pleasure and a release. It was difficult for me to tell people that they were not allowed to hug me today, due to the fact that I sometimes battle being a people pleaser, and my white blood cells are depleted to the point of being fairly susceptible to infection, but I managed to hide in the back from all of the lovely Sunday huggers for most of the sermon. There was a couple of renegade huggers in there, but Heather and pastor warned them that next time there would be pepper spray.

Friday marked my first full week of treatment. I would have posted something sooner, but the drugs and the naps got the best of me for a while there, and this is the first time that I have actually been able to sit down and think somewhat clearly since I left the hospital. Plus the theme of my blog has been somewhat optimistic, and to be honest, there wasn’t a lot of optimism coming out of room 109 over the last week.The Chemo was not as rough for me as it was for some, but it definitely is something that is hard to explain to someone who has never had it before. Getting pumped full of poison every couple of hours and battling the cold sweats is something that I would compare to a drug addict detoxing.. That and the constant constipation and feeling the need to go pee from all of the pre/post hydration is enough to drive anyone crazy. The upside to all of this is that I am alive and have a great prognosis. I walked by several rooms of loved ones who were dying on the oncology unit if Mercy and peered in the rooms to see large families embracing each other and crying. I also saw people who had twice the amount of drugs strapped to their IV’s and looked as if they had it 10 times worse than me. It can always be worse, and I choose to be thankful. Very thankful..

Happy Valentines Heather!! She gets the reward for being the most selfless.. What a trooper. It makes me somewhat sad to know that her first valentine would be a grumpy sick cancer patient in her first 2 weeks of being married. Through sickness and in health. We are starting with sickness.

I went in today for a marrow/white blood cell shot that is supposed to help me produce more white blood cells over the next week as my immunity grows weaker. I am warned that the joint pains that are coming as a result of this shot can be a ***ch, but I guess it beats the alternative of being sick.

I have attached a photo from Dave and Mark. These are two of my good friends who thought that they would join me in my baldness in the weeks to come. They showed up at church today bald and then sent me this picture for my pleasure.. And now yours…

Day 3

Day 3
Although I have visited the oncology unit here @ mercy on several occasions, I don’t think that the thought ever crossed my mind that one day I would be staying here.
The food here is not so hot, so I am looking forward to some of my friends smuggling me something in. I guess I should glad that I have an appetite still. The nurses and staff her are incredible and I am enjoying getting to know them and becoming known by them. I have also met some of the other cancer patients here and they are some of the sweetest people that one could meet.

Heather has stayed with me the last couple of nights and it has made my time here much more bearable. Luckily she is so small; otherwise I don’t see how we could both fit on such a small bed. But we somehow make it work. It probably helps that the nurses are giving me Ambien to help me sleep at night and I once I fall asleep I go into a coma… Literally..

I have had two full days of chemo and have three to go before I am released for the weekend. I am so looking forward to being home in my own bed. Although the first two days have not been so bad, I am starting to feel the fatigue, and have noticed some definite symptoms to the meds. My throat is getting a little sore, and I have been getting the hick-ups something fierce. While I am grateful that it has not gotten that rough yet, and the nausea has not kicked in, I am told that the 6th day is usually when my white blood cells and platelets will be at their lowest.

I have decided not to shave my head until I have to. Sorry Rick :-) But I have been getting mixed messages about the whole hair loss thing. My MD has told me that I will lose my hair, and some of the other docs have said that there is a less than 10% chance. I should know soon, and if I start to see hair on my pillow or in the shower, I will be making a trip to the barber shop for a little trim.

Someone really encouraged me with this scripture the other day.

John 9:1-3
1As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" 3Jesus answered, "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”.

I was sitting in my house this morning getting ready to head to the hospital, and I noticed nature’s orchestra resounding out the windows of my house. I live near the river, and my house backs up to a large canopy of trees, so the various types of birds sounding off their greatest tune, would make any one with the ears to listen, smile, and somehow remind and awaken you to something deeper. It brings a certain type of peace that is priceless. I have a lot to learn from the birds in the air.

It has been almost two weeks since I last wrote in this blog. It has been a crazy couple of weeks and a lot has changed in a short amount of time. I am now officially the luckiest man ever. Heather and I have just lived out our first full week of being married, and it has been a wild experience. I am sure it always takes some adjusting, but for us, it has been a whirlwind.

We were married on Friday the 29th, and spent a couple of days up in Mt Shasta. Although it was too short, and not the Jamaica trip we were planning for, we enjoyed it immensely We came home and moved some of her stuff into my place and tried to get prepared for the 12 weeks of Chemo that starts today. My… I mean “Our” house, kind of resembles the aftermath of a tornado. At least it feels that way to me. We have gifts all over the place, dying flowers, pictures, cloths scattered all around, and it finally is starting to feel like a home:-)

I have been humbled by all of the support, and love from my friends and family, but most of all the prayers. Although the supernatural healing that we were all contending for is not what has happened yet, I have had no fear. I have been joyful and peaceful for the most part. I believe that this is a direct result to prayer. Whether you believe in the adversary of our souls or not, I do. It has been at times such as these that he has tried to steal and destroy the plans and purposes of something greater to come. Fear is his main tool for getting us there, and I have been able to work through the temptation to of falling into fear and/or being ungrateful through this season. This is a result of the many prayers and is also what I would request you to continue to pray for. My greatest fear is not that I would die, or get sick, etc., but that my eyes and ears would be closed to the voice of God in this.