Beautiful Mess

Not too long ago, I met this amazing little gal named Heather. We got to know one another very quickly, and I think that within the first week I was convinced that this was the girl that I had been looking for. We got engaged on Christmas day and began the planning of what we had hoped to be a beautiful spring wedding, with all of our closest friends and family members. It was going to be one heck of a party, followed by an amazing honeymoon somewhere with white sands and blue waters.
Just before we were ready to book our trip, secure our venue, and send out our invitations, we got the cancer news.

I remember chatting with Heather months ago about different types of weddings. I think I told her that I was a fan of smaller weddings and even running off somewhere like some crazy teenagers. I was half kidding. But the idea of people going into debt, or spending large sums of money on one day has never sat quite right with me. She on the other hand (like most girls) has dreamed of this day since she was a young girl, and has basically been planning her wedding for 20 years. Once we were officially engaged, I let her plan what she wanted, and was going to be supportive in any way that I could. This girl deserves the best. Trust me. However I couldn't let her get caught up in the stress of planning a wedding without dropping the hint- "ya know,,, Reno or Tahoe would sure be nice this time of year." Although she thought this was funny and laughed it off, I was kind of serious.

On Monday when we got the news, there were a lot of things that were uncertain. Thoughts about putting off our wedding date, mountains of medical bills, losing all the momentum in my career, being sterile, etc, were racing through my mind. Although I was not in fear about the cancer, the thought of not being able to marry Heather when I wanted to, was disappointing. Then I started feeling bad for her, and even told her, "this may be a good time for you to reconsider your decision." I guess I just felt like it would be unselfish of me to give her an out. This was obviously not going to happen, and her response made me feel like a very lucky man.

After a night and a day of processing this bend in the road, we started talking about our options. At this point I was planning on putting our date back for 6 months or so. Heather had been talking to our parents and told me that she was entertaining the idea of getting married earlier so that she could be there for me if/when times got rough during the chemo. When I heard her mention this, I had a hard time holding in my excitement of the possibility. I felt like a high school boy who just got his first phone number. I said to her “Have you prayed about this?.” She said “ Yes, and this is what I want to do. I cannot imagine waiting through this, and not being able to be with you if things get rough.” As much as this idea was music to my ears, I was very concerned of how this would all play out. I must have sounded like I was trying to talk her out of it, however, I was only trying to understand where she was coming from. I guess I felt as if I was killing her dreams, and was thinking of how tough our first three months of marriage would be living with a bald grouchy cancer patient. This of course was being a little dramatic, and extreme, however it was definitely not your ideal circumstances. She persisted that this was her decision. This was a tough decision to make for a guy like me. As I stepped back to try and seek the “right” decision, I realized that there wasn’t one.

After seeking counsel from our close friends and family, as well as fasting and praying, we made a decision to move our wedding date up a couple months and have a small wedding in 2 weeks. Even as I type this sentence I still am having a hard time believing the circumstances that we find ourselves in. I was out with some friends last night for one of my other friend’s bachelor parties, or bachelor dinner and movie I should say, and someone made mention that I too was getting married. One of the guys at our table asked “Awesome!, when are you guys getting married?” I said “2 weeks.” He then asked “ How long have you guys been engaged?”, I said “2 weeks.” There was this part of me that desperately felt the need to explain myself, and to make sure that others knew that I usually make mature and well thought out decisions, but I guess I am learning to ignore that part of me..

As I tell people about what we are doing, I keep thinking to myself that this isn’t exactly your storybook way of doing things, but the more that I think about it, and the more that I write about it, the more I remember that this is Gods story and I am just a part of it, trying to play my role the best I can. Life is messy sometimes, and it is often in the messiness that we find beauty.