When I started this journey through chemo, I had decided that writing would be a great way to process and record my thoughts and feelings of what I would experience, but also to take note of what God was doing through it. I decided to create a blog to share it with my friends and family and to create a place for people to peer in on my life through chemo and to also have an idea of how to pray.
I started this journey a little over 4 months ago when I was at a relay race at Wiskeytown Lake. I got to a place where the pain I was feeling in one of my testicles was too much to bear and a few of my friends insisted that I get to the doctors. It was no more than 1 week later that I went under the knife and was having the orchiectomy, and what was supposed to be a 1 day surgery has turned into quite another story.
Within 90 days of the surgery I was made aware of the cancer still being present and was referred to an oncologist to start chemotherapy immediately. As most of you know from my previous blogs, this chemo regiment is very extreme, and for the first 2 cycles of it I had a pretty good attitude for the most part. I mean there were days that I was pretty out of it, fatigued, and feeling many other side effects of the chemo, but it was bearable and I was getting some invaluable revelation all throughout the process.
The chemo is accumulative and builds on its last cycle, and this last cycle was a tough one. One of the reasons why my blogs have slowed, and have also been so short, is because of how the chemo has affected me. This last round was the first round that I have experienced some nausea and felt some of the symptoms that I have seen my fellow cancer patients experiencing. Oh yeah, and did I tell you I gained 15 lbs. With the steroids they are giving me, and the screwed up digestive system, added to the comfort eating of things like doughnuts and whatever else I want, I have managed to fit into my pants a little better.. I have seen many people in chemo that have lost 30-40 lbs to the point of being unhealthy and I would rather be where I am, than so sick that they have to put a feeding tube in me, but this extra pack that is situated right on the front of my abdomen is pretty rough to look at.. haha
Several people have asked me over the last couple of weeks how my marriage is. That is kind of hard for me to answer. Heather and I are going through the adjustments of living with someone and being newlyweds, like everyone else does, but with cancer. Cancer makes things a little more interesting. Not only are we arguing about the proper way to cook spaghetti and clean house, but we also have 2 weeks a month when I am sick and tired and have little energy to do anything. One of the side effects of the chemo is depression. This kind of depression is really tough. Normal things like a sunny day, or a fun hike with some friends, created some level of joy and elevates your serotonin levels, but not after a cycle of Cisplatin. The doctors suggest taking some periodic medication for it, but I have opted out. I just remind myself that it is only a side effect and that it will pass. I have also has a few people offer me Marijuana and Pot brownies. One person actually offered me a popcorn ball with weed in it. Hmm, I never had one of those.. lol.. Anyways, I am not taking anything for the depression and it is bearable with prayer and reaching out to others. That has always worked for me. The tough part is how it affects being married. It’s one thing to feel depressed and to sit around licking your wounds with the “poor me’s”, but when you feel like you are dragging someone else through it with you, it makes matters worse. 2 Weeks after my chemo I start coming out of it, and we have a “calm between storms”, and usually will go out on a date, take some walks, and do some fun things, but it surly hasn’t been a “honeymoon phase”.
One thing I can say is she is a trooper. Taking care of a bald, fat, grumpy, cancer patient, who isn’t very nice sometimes sure wouldn’t be the first thing I would sign up for, and she not only does it every day, but she seems to still be happy with our decision to get married earlier than we had planned. It makes me feel guilty and convicted when I think about the roles being reversed. She is a better person than I am. That’s why I married her.
Staying spiritually fit through this has been a challenge. Not that it is not always a challenge, but I am typically a pretty disciplined person. I have for years now taken time each morning to pray and have time with the Lord, and have valued this time greatly. I am a firm believer in taking time each day to slow down and listen to the still small voice inside of you. I also believe that some of the most effective work we can do in our lives is the work that is done inside our prayer closet. All that being said, I have felt like a “wave tossed by the wind” over the last month and have found it difficult to connect with God. Is this just a season? I don’t know, but I do know that I can find a way to stay closer to Him through this.
I have one more round of chemo left and it starts in two weeks. I should feel so blessed knowing how well my prognosis is compared to many of my friends who have not been getting such good news, but the thought of getting plugged into the IV for another week straight and going through this again makes me literally nauseous. I know that God has me here for a reason and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world, but am sure looking forward to getting to the other side and having a break between this challenge and the next.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Good Reports
More Good Reports
The third round of chemo starts tomorrow. Another full week of sitting in a chair for five hours a day getting injected with heavy metals and all kinds of other cancer killing poisons. At this point I am getting pretty excited to be done with it, however I am grateful to know that it is working so well. My blood counts continue to show no cancer, and my Doctor has said I will go on to live a completely normal life again when this is all said and done. Whatever normal means :-)
On one hand I am very grateful for this reality and the thought of going through 2 more rounds of this brutal process seems like a walk in the park, but on another hand I am sad and feel as if I am dodging a bullet that so many people that I have come to know will not be so lucky to do.
This season has been very good for my perspective and I should hope that when I am in remission that I will keep this experience close enough to me that I would not forget what I have learned. I know that there will probably be times that I take things for granted again, and I will probably lose perspective many times, but by staying close to people with cancer I will remember.
The third round of chemo starts tomorrow. Another full week of sitting in a chair for five hours a day getting injected with heavy metals and all kinds of other cancer killing poisons. At this point I am getting pretty excited to be done with it, however I am grateful to know that it is working so well. My blood counts continue to show no cancer, and my Doctor has said I will go on to live a completely normal life again when this is all said and done. Whatever normal means :-)
On one hand I am very grateful for this reality and the thought of going through 2 more rounds of this brutal process seems like a walk in the park, but on another hand I am sad and feel as if I am dodging a bullet that so many people that I have come to know will not be so lucky to do.
This season has been very good for my perspective and I should hope that when I am in remission that I will keep this experience close enough to me that I would not forget what I have learned. I know that there will probably be times that I take things for granted again, and I will probably lose perspective many times, but by staying close to people with cancer I will remember.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Adversity
Cancer has not only challenged me physically over that last 2 months, but it has also brought a season of uncertainty. Will the chemo work? How long? Will I have to do more treatment? These are some of the questions that have been going through my head as of late. Not only have I acquired a fairly large amount of medical bills from the treatment, but my career which is totally based on my production has created some inconvenient concern. The business I work in is ever changing, and it has taken me a lot of time and effort to build my business, and to think of losing it, and not being able to come back to it, is not a pleasant thought. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was still single, and had nothing to lose, as well as the fact that I have been doing what I do for 8 years now and I don’t really know anything else, but trusting Gods plans and purposes, even if He were to change my career has been something that has not easily been surrendered.
I talked to a guy named Brent Hatch on the phone this week. He is a published runner, a father, husband, and cancer survivor who has a remarkable story. Read it when you get a chance as it is very inspiring. http://runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--10251-0,00.html Brent had testicular cancer 12 years ago when it was still a deadly cancer to get, and the chemo regime that is now the norm, was still experimental. After a fairly serious surgery, Brent was cured of his cancer and continued to run marathons including the Boston marathon on a yearly basis. 6 years ago after having a stroke, he was delivered another blow to the chest when preparing for a marathon. Days before his marathon Brent was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia that the doctors told him would give him less than 5 years to live. It has been 5 years now and he still runs 100 miles week preparing for his next marathon. As I talked to him I was humbled and filled with joy to hear the voice of such a content man. He talked about the chemo drugs that he has to take EVERY DAY for the rest of his life, and the concern of losing his health insurance because of the cost of his drugs. Talking to Brent gave me some real perspective and encouraged me. Brent reminded me of how cancer can really help you defeat fear, and how most people do not get that kind of an opportunity.
One of the worse parts of having cancer has been the lack of control (not that I really ever had it), and the thought of losing everything. This has also been one of the best parts. It’s easy to talk about faith and trust when everything is going good, and yet it is in the trials that we really get an opportunity to display Christ within to the world around us. When I read Brent’s story and so many others like his, I am reminded of the verse in James that instructs us “Consider it PURE JOY, when you face trials of many kinds.”
Having joy in the midst of trials, is a novel idea to most, but what if you could be the kind of person who had no fear of adversity? What if adversity began to excite you because you knew the work that God did from within through these times was more profitable than any education this world could give you, and would help people more than you could ever imagine?
I talked to a guy named Brent Hatch on the phone this week. He is a published runner, a father, husband, and cancer survivor who has a remarkable story. Read it when you get a chance as it is very inspiring. http://runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--10251-0,00.html Brent had testicular cancer 12 years ago when it was still a deadly cancer to get, and the chemo regime that is now the norm, was still experimental. After a fairly serious surgery, Brent was cured of his cancer and continued to run marathons including the Boston marathon on a yearly basis. 6 years ago after having a stroke, he was delivered another blow to the chest when preparing for a marathon. Days before his marathon Brent was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia that the doctors told him would give him less than 5 years to live. It has been 5 years now and he still runs 100 miles week preparing for his next marathon. As I talked to him I was humbled and filled with joy to hear the voice of such a content man. He talked about the chemo drugs that he has to take EVERY DAY for the rest of his life, and the concern of losing his health insurance because of the cost of his drugs. Talking to Brent gave me some real perspective and encouraged me. Brent reminded me of how cancer can really help you defeat fear, and how most people do not get that kind of an opportunity.
One of the worse parts of having cancer has been the lack of control (not that I really ever had it), and the thought of losing everything. This has also been one of the best parts. It’s easy to talk about faith and trust when everything is going good, and yet it is in the trials that we really get an opportunity to display Christ within to the world around us. When I read Brent’s story and so many others like his, I am reminded of the verse in James that instructs us “Consider it PURE JOY, when you face trials of many kinds.”
Having joy in the midst of trials, is a novel idea to most, but what if you could be the kind of person who had no fear of adversity? What if adversity began to excite you because you knew the work that God did from within through these times was more profitable than any education this world could give you, and would help people more than you could ever imagine?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Week 5 Update
Week 5 Update
I have been pleasantly surprised with how my treatment has gone this week. Although, I have had some nausea and have been getting tired, I have found a way to get through.
On Wednesday morning I found the chapel here at mercy, and decided to check it out. I didn’t know if I was allowed to go in, but I decided that I would sneak in anyways. I pushed my little IV through the door before me and stepped in. It was a small chapel that would probably seat about 15 people. It had a small alter and a large stained glass Jesus. There was no one in else in the chapel but me, and you could hear the distant sound from the automatic piano in the lounge out front.
As I began to pray I was interrupted by a woman and a young man who had stepped into the chapel. I turned to acknowledge them and said hi. They looked at me with a surprised look on their face and said hello. I couldn’t tell if I was in trouble and they were coming to tell me I had to leave, or if they were just wondering what this guy with all of these tubes hooked up to him was doing in the chapel.
As I started to take my attention away from them and look upfront, the woman interrupted me and said “excuse me,” and I said “yes”, she then began to tell me, “We were here to visit a sick friend in the hospital and felt that God had told us we were supposed to come to the chapel.” At this time the young man who was with her told me that he had heard God distinctively tell him the words “tubes”, and “cancer”, as he pulled out a small folded up piece of paper to show me where he had wrote them down prior to coming into the chapel. I could tell that they were nervous, and excited at the same time. I was also excited. I explained to them that I had cancer, and that I had felt led to go to the chapel and pray. They then asked me in a very polite way if they could pray for me, and I said yes. As they prayed for me, they were speaking words over me that I had been hearing from many others since this season began. After they finished praying they were bold and told me that they sensed that the cancer was gone and was not coming back. I had heard this once before 3 months ago, and as it turned out, the cancer returned. However I have heard this same thing now from several people over the last several weeks, and I choose to believe.
Last week I had my BETA PH Blood counts/tumor markers taken for the first time since I started chemo. This is a pregnancy test that they give to men which indicates cancer cells. A normal range is 1-7, and 4 months ago when this all stared I was over 1200. After my orchiectomy my counts came down to an 8, and I thought I was out of the woods. 5 weeks ago my counts showed a 286 which was the first indicator that the cancer was still there, which is when my oncologist decided to start my chemo. I received a call from my doctor yesterday to give me the results, and was elated to hear that they had dropped from a 286 to a 4.4 in only three weeks, which was a completely within its normal range. PTL!
I don’t know if this means that they are going to stop the chemo, but I am so willing to endure 8 more weeks of this if it is what I am supposed to do. I keep meeting some amazing people here in the chemo unit and have absolutely loved hearing the hope, and kindness that comes out of the mouths of the people that I have been spending my days with.
The nurses here have assigned me a seat in the front of this small area where they give the chemo, due to the fact that I have the most visitors and there are extra chairs up here. I have been so blessed to have visitors every day and some days they spend hours with me.
Friends and family have brought Heather and me meals every night, and it has been such a blessing to not have to cook. I feel so rich in relationships that it makes me smile. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.
I have been pleasantly surprised with how my treatment has gone this week. Although, I have had some nausea and have been getting tired, I have found a way to get through.
On Wednesday morning I found the chapel here at mercy, and decided to check it out. I didn’t know if I was allowed to go in, but I decided that I would sneak in anyways. I pushed my little IV through the door before me and stepped in. It was a small chapel that would probably seat about 15 people. It had a small alter and a large stained glass Jesus. There was no one in else in the chapel but me, and you could hear the distant sound from the automatic piano in the lounge out front.
As I began to pray I was interrupted by a woman and a young man who had stepped into the chapel. I turned to acknowledge them and said hi. They looked at me with a surprised look on their face and said hello. I couldn’t tell if I was in trouble and they were coming to tell me I had to leave, or if they were just wondering what this guy with all of these tubes hooked up to him was doing in the chapel.
As I started to take my attention away from them and look upfront, the woman interrupted me and said “excuse me,” and I said “yes”, she then began to tell me, “We were here to visit a sick friend in the hospital and felt that God had told us we were supposed to come to the chapel.” At this time the young man who was with her told me that he had heard God distinctively tell him the words “tubes”, and “cancer”, as he pulled out a small folded up piece of paper to show me where he had wrote them down prior to coming into the chapel. I could tell that they were nervous, and excited at the same time. I was also excited. I explained to them that I had cancer, and that I had felt led to go to the chapel and pray. They then asked me in a very polite way if they could pray for me, and I said yes. As they prayed for me, they were speaking words over me that I had been hearing from many others since this season began. After they finished praying they were bold and told me that they sensed that the cancer was gone and was not coming back. I had heard this once before 3 months ago, and as it turned out, the cancer returned. However I have heard this same thing now from several people over the last several weeks, and I choose to believe.
Last week I had my BETA PH Blood counts/tumor markers taken for the first time since I started chemo. This is a pregnancy test that they give to men which indicates cancer cells. A normal range is 1-7, and 4 months ago when this all stared I was over 1200. After my orchiectomy my counts came down to an 8, and I thought I was out of the woods. 5 weeks ago my counts showed a 286 which was the first indicator that the cancer was still there, which is when my oncologist decided to start my chemo. I received a call from my doctor yesterday to give me the results, and was elated to hear that they had dropped from a 286 to a 4.4 in only three weeks, which was a completely within its normal range. PTL!
I don’t know if this means that they are going to stop the chemo, but I am so willing to endure 8 more weeks of this if it is what I am supposed to do. I keep meeting some amazing people here in the chemo unit and have absolutely loved hearing the hope, and kindness that comes out of the mouths of the people that I have been spending my days with.
The nurses here have assigned me a seat in the front of this small area where they give the chemo, due to the fact that I have the most visitors and there are extra chairs up here. I have been so blessed to have visitors every day and some days they spend hours with me.
Friends and family have brought Heather and me meals every night, and it has been such a blessing to not have to cook. I feel so rich in relationships that it makes me smile. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts.
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