Cancer Update

The last 10 weeks have gone by surprisingly fast. Although I started this journey out with a pretty good attitude (at least I think so) it didn’t quite end that way. The chemo drugs really start to build upon themselves over the course of 12 weeks, and by the end, I have had the full experience of chemo therapy.

One of the main reasons that I have not been blogging as much, has been my depressed state of mind, which is mostly an effect of the drugs, but also in part of not being very motivated to do something about it. The extreme fatigue, and cloudy headedness (chemo brain) does not help much either. I have found myself forgetting things that I shouldn’t be forgetting. I think I called Heather someone else’s name the other day, and have been forgetting things that happened less than a week ago. It’s pretty comical if you think about it. You can tell that I must look as bad as I feel too, because 3-4 weeks ago people were saying, “well at least you still look good”, and now I get these looks that make me want to run to the mirror to see what they are looking at. I have acquired some pretty rough black circles around my eyes, and my face is pretty pail from time to time, but I think that the loss of eyebrows is what has topped it off, and sends you from being a possible “bald for style” to “sick person” in people’s minds.

This last round was by far the hardest. I started strong, but by mid week I was starting to get nauseated from the smells and whole psychological experience of it all. I have found that the smell of alcohol in the hand sanitizer, and all the other hospital smells make my stomach turn. By Friday I would have sworn I couldn’t have done another day, and by Sunday I was in the emergency room feeling sicker than I think I have ever felt before. The Doctor tried for 5 hours with three different meds in efforts to calm the nausea. It was brutal to say the least. That coupled with the constant taste of metal in my mouth, the throat sores, and the neurothepy to my fingertips, which basically feels like I can’t feel my fingers, has made me wonder if I could ever endure this again if I had too.

My wife Heather has been the most wonderful gift that God has ever brought me. She has been so selfless in taking care of me through the raw stages of this thing when I would normally want nobody to be around me. She has not only done it, but she has done it joyfully, and I am so impressed with that. I am also still humbled by the love and support of my family and friends. Every time I turn around, someone is doing something to help me or make my load a little lighter through these times, and a hard headed, prideful, person like me sometimes has a hard time accepting that, but I have learned to receive through these times.

I started this journey out pretty motivated about returning to my career and getting my life back to “where it was before cancer”. I still plan on that in the general sense, but I have found myself thinking that I don’t want things to be the same for me. I can’t go through something like this and just return to the status quo. It’s not that I was living that before I was diagnosed, but I guess I have just been stirred in a way that is making me slow to plan out the rest of my 2010 like I usually would. I am a pretty planned out and driven person, which is a gift, but sometimes I forget to leave room for God to change things up a bit, or lead me somewhere else.

I am truly grateful to be through the chemo. I have not had the official report from my Dr yet, but all reports show that I am cancer free and will be for a very long time.